So I went on this retreat last week.  It was for pastors wives and thier support ladies.  I went as a support lady.  This is the second retreat that I have ever been on.  As I looked forward to it, I knew that it was going to be a momentous time to have 3 days to focus on the Lord's Word w/o the business of life (and w/ 3 kids 5 and under, life is very busy).  I knew that the Lord was going to speak powerfully (since I was finally sitting down to listen).  I had no idea though, how specific He would be.

 As the retreat got underway I made it through the first message virtually unscathed.  I was a little disapointed at the lack of revelations but happy to be there and eat from a salad bar that I didn't have anythign to do w/ preparing.  When we went back into the auditorium, I had no idea what was to come...

The message was on surrender.  It was about Mary breaking her alabaster flask to anoint Jesus from Mark 14.  My pastor had just taught on the very same passage just one week before.  The speaker started talking about the value of this flask, not monetarily but in security and how it held mary's future (as it was probably her dowry).  She laid it all down and broke it for Jesus.  She began to make points about what we are holding on to and how we need to surrender, our security, even our dreams and hopes for the future.  I sobbed as I realized that I was holding onto the idea of living here in my home town, in the house I grew up in (that I bought 2 years ago from my mom and dad), a stones throw away from my mom and sister, raising my children amongst the tight bond of love and family that I have always cherished.  It doesn't seem like a bad thing to hold on to but as my husband has been called to be a youth leader an hour and 15 minutes away from our present location, I was feeling that the Lord might be urging me to let go of these things.  I have been resisting this idea for a year.  At the end of this message the speaker told a story about a little girl and her plastic beads. (she told it much better than this but...) She loved and cherished them.  She wore them everyday and never took them off.  One day her daddy asked her if he could have them.  She said no.  He said, do you love me?  She said yes.  "Then give me your beads." he said.  She said no.  He gave her a kiss and tucked her into bed.  This same routine happened nightly for a long time.  Finally one night the dad said,  "May I please have your beads?"  "no"  she replied "I lvoe them so much daddy, I don't want to give them to you."  "Do you love me more than your beads?" he asked.  "Of course I do" she replied.  "Than please give them to me."  She argued a bit but then tearfully she handed over the beloved plastic beads.  She began to sob loudly as her dad left the room w/ her beads.  He quickly returned and handed her a beautiful string of pearls.  "I have had these for you for a long time.  I was just waiting for you to give me your plastic beads so I could bless you with these pearls. 

I completetly understood that I needed to surrender my plastic beads and I am now clinging to the promise that the Lord has pearls for me when we move. 

Now, this is still not going to be easy for me.  Surrender or not, I had questions for the Lord about what would come after my surrender.  As I stood in the wind by the beautiful Chesapeake Bay in the moonlight, I sobbed in surrender and in fear of what was to come in this vulnerable time for me.  I prayed fervently that the Lord would show me, now that I had surrendered, how I was to continue on.

The next day of the retreat was mostly workshops and they were great.  That afternoon as I basked inthe sun for a few hours, I was running my fingers through the grass and as I plucked pieces and shredded stems I found that I had just pulled a 4 leaf clover out of the ground!!  I wasn't even looking!!!  This is neat but even more so because as a child and even more as a high teenager, I would spend hours and hours pouring over clover patches searching for the sign of eternal luck.  I never ever found one.  So there I was at a retreat, seeking God and he placed one right in my hand, as if to say, you don't need luck, you've got Me and I am here w/ you!!

Wow right!  It's not even close to over (read it later if it's too long, I'm not writing it for you anyway, I'm blogging for me right now OK?!)  That evening I went back for another session w/ the same speaker from the night before.  I can't even tell you how specifically the Lord spoke to me and answered my prayer from the night before.  The speaker talked exactly about what happened next...after Mary's surrender, she was ridiculed and judged by the disciples.  I know that I will face similar judgement and ridicule for the decision to move that my husband and I are making.  We aregoing to offend people especially my family.  Then the speaker pointed out Mary's reaciton...she contintued to worship Jesus.  She didn't defend or explain herself.  She didnt' even stop what she was doing to be sad or upset.  She just kept right on worhsipping the Lord anointing Him w/ her sacrafice.  Do you know what happened next????  The Lord defended her.  It was so clear to me that as Jason and I take the steps of faith that we need to take in order to move, that all I need to do, even in the face of adveristy, is keep worshipping, keep my focus on the Lord.  I don't need to defend myself or even expain myself.  Jesus will defend me and explain it for me.  What a relief for me.  That night as we worshipped and prayed after the speaker finished, the MC of the event directed prayer for those who might be struggling w/ surrendering the place where they wanted to live, giving up dreams and hopes of a future that they had planned out!!!!!!!!!!  That was me!!  I cried so hard.  Heaving sobs of surrender and gratefulness.  Oh how humbling it was to know that the Lordhad orchestrated the beautiful retreat to speak to me. 

As I said before, I had been ever so gently (or not) rebelling against this whole idea and instead of giving me a poverbial slap or punishment, my Heavenly Daddy, swept me away for 3 days to comfort and encourage me and make it clear what He wanted from me.  He is so faithful, and graceful and loving. 

So anyway, it's not going to be easy, by any means to continue on in this surrendered walk, as I continually seek to lay my life at his feet.  I am still somewhat nauseous as I think about everything that is ahead.  It may be stormy waters but I know w/o a doubt that if I focus my attention on my saviour, He will see me through and in the end He will hand my my pearls as I have handed him each individual plastic bead.